conflict | Dear Quarter Lives

On the Beauty of Conflict

Dear quarter lives,

Recently I found myself telling a friend that I don’t really understand how someone could enjoy watching other people fight. Even though my friend agreed, something inside of me wasn’t satisfied with that response. I felt that maybe my friend and I weren’t really paying attention, maybe we weren’t seeing something important that was so clearly there, that everyone else could see. A few days later, as the thought simmered and cooked itself in my mind, an answer arrived slowly, trickling through my resistance to accept something so “aggressive”. After all, I was all about peace, so how could I let myself see that there was beauty in conflict, in war, in fighting, let alone fighting as a sport. But I couldn’t not see it. It was there showing itself so beautifully and so transparently.

I had been the kind of person that tried to avoid conflict with others. I wasn’t so confrontational, and always afraid to cause upset or to cause myself upset through another’s upset. I was hiding behind peace hoping conflict wouldn’t find me. Ironically, I was already in it but just couldn’t see it. I was refusing to see the truth that I was bathing in conflict, some of it was for fun and some was more serious forcing me to grow and move forward through life. I love stories, and conflicts are at the heart of every one of them. It’s what makes a hero out of the human in every story. It is what captivates us because we understand that conflict is how we all grow, how we mature, how we get closer to those around us, how we get closer to ourselves. It is there at the centre of it all, like a sort of gravity that pulls our lives together, connects the dots between the different lines and threads. So you see, people go to see boxing matches not because they like to see others in pain or bleed but because it is a celebration of the “fight”, the fight that we are engaged in from the moment we begin to make our way through our mother’s birth canal. It is a celebration of the force that is “opposite”; it is a celebration that duality moves us forward, that the strength of our spine comes from having to resist and grow against gravity. Watching people fight reminds us that fighting is normal. It reminds us that it is sacred, that there is pleasure to be found in the pain.

Characters facing great obstacles and conflicts are an integral part of any captivating story. This is the stuff that makes for good TV. This is the stuff that we are willing to give our time and attention to. Why? Because it reminds us that conflict is beautiful, that what starts out one way will end somewhere else, that every conflict is a journey in and of itself, that it has an end just as it does a beginning. It reminds us that the fight is survivable, that we can do it, that we are all warriors in our own way. I understand now what I couldn’t see before because I was refusing to see the opportunities conflict was presenting in my own life. I had told myself the story that it was all harmful, that all conflict was painful, that it was all personal. Now, I can see a much bigger picture. I can appreciate the closeness I feel with someone who I am able to work through a fight with. Making space for conflict in our lives is not only important but it’s what makes it interesting. It’s what pushes us to evolve and change.

Watching a fight reminds us that there are always winners and losers, and that both are important for the growth of the other, and that being a part of the fight is what’s more important than winning or losing because one day you might be a winner and another a loser. It teaches us that there is meaning and joy to be made and had in the process, so we better not get attached to winning or losing but that it is best to learn to be both. Watching a fight reminds us that engaging in conflict is a creative act and that there is a big element of uncertainty that teaches us how to listen and be more sensitive. One of the perhaps more useful elements of watching or observing conflict is that even though it might look like chaos, but there are always rules; even wars have rules and when these rules are violated, people need to be held responsible. And different conflicts have different rules, and rules like your opponents are to be respected if you want to play the game and fight the fight. Of course, it could be argued that we see too much conflict in our world and perhaps we need to see more peace. But the thing is peace, resolution and unions all begin with conflict, they are the creative products of conflict. So perhaps the fact that there is so much conflict around us might be a sign that we are not following through till the end, that maybe we are leaving too many conflicts open-ended, unresolved and without an end which leads to long-term dysfunctional conflicts. And so like anything, conflict can be productive as well as destructive. You can choose how to manage your conflicts, you can choose to be brutal or compassionate. You can choose to prioritise immediate gains of winning the fight or long term gains of winning the relationship. You can take ownership of your mistakes or blame everyone else. Conflict is a great teacher, a beautiful one and a brutal one at times. But life is not just a walk in the park; it certainly can be sometimes but it is also the sand storms and hurricanes that turn and transform people’s lives. So today perhaps take a moment to recognise all the goodness conflict has brought to your life, recognise the muscles you have acquired through conflict, and the confidence with which you have learnt to protect your boundaries.

May you always have it in you to fight the good fight.

With love and always for peace,

S.A.

On Conflict and Resolution

Posted on February 15, 2021 by S.A.

Dear quarter lives,

During our lifetime, we are bound to run into conflicts not only with other people, but particularly with ourselves. In fact, they say often that the conflicts that arise with other people are merely a reflection of the conflicts hidden within us. And so it goes, when we resolve these conflicts within ourselves, our conflicts with others too fade away. For those of us on a conscious journey of coming to peace, this is great news because that means the more we resolve within us, the less conflict we experience with life, and thus the less and less suffering we endure. The reason this is especially great news is because it means we always have the power to resolve conflict, and power is the key ingredient any individual party or person must have to partake in resolution. To truly resolve any conflict, we must come to the resolution from a place of power, and that place of power certainly doesn’t not mean a place of victory, for there is no victory in conflict resolution, there is no defeat either — there is only peace. Peace for all parties is the goal here. And all parties must be conscious of this intention and must want peace. For if one party does not want peace, it will continue to sabotage the peace process.

So when you find yourself constantly self-sabotaging, that is a sign that there is a conflict within yourself that needs addressing. There is one part trying to achieve a certain goal and another part that does everything to destroy any progress towards that goal. When this happens, you must sit with both parties within yourself and listen. First, we must listen to what each part has to say, because every part is justified in its feelings. Every part of us has a reason to why it is acting the way it is acting. And every part wants to be heard and seen by us. Often inner conflict is exacerbated by self-denial and ignoring the relevant part, even when it is screaming at you. It is important when you are sitting with yourself to mediate between these parts. It is important that you listen with compassion, that you bring forth the part of yourself that is non-partisan, that is not judgmental, that is all-loving, which is often referred to as our Higher Self. To heal any conflict, we must first connect to the conflict. We must be in the conflict before we can resolve anything. Presence is what is often needed. Acknowledgement for what has been felt and experienced is needed. And then we can move on and begin to reconcile. Always remember, resolution can only happen if we let go of the need to win. We must completely surrender our notions of victory and defeat. We must want peace! We must want to be in union within ourselves. We must want resolution. This process can be translated to our conflicts with other people. Often what is causing the conflict is both sides refusing to recognise one another. We must acknowledge that for the other party, their pain is valid, even if we believe deep down it is not our responsibility to bear. Acknowledging someone else’s pain has nothing to do with taking responsibility for it. You can witness someone’s grief and not have caused it. And like with the parts within ourselves, we must have compassion for everyone involved. We must want to be at peace with them. We must want our relationship to move forward together.

So when you find yourself in conflict, do not rush to resolve anything before you actually feel all the feelings that have been triggered by being in conflict. And then after you have given yourself ample time to be in conflict, when your feelings have been felt and some distance can now be had from them, only now can you approach other parties to try to seek resolution. Peace is a choice. No one can be forced into peace, and that includes parts of ourselves that don’t want peace. When this happens and there are parties refusing peace, we must listen to why they do not want peace and attempt to approach the disharmony present from there. Until there is harmony in the intention for peace amongst all parties, resolution will never truly arrive. We must be in union with ourselves to come to peace. We must be wanting to be in union with others to come to peace with one another. And throughout this process of coming to peace, be grateful to the conflict for it is the engine driving us forward towards peace. Be sure to remind yourself amidst all the anger and anxiety that surfaces within you during conflict, that it is a good thing this is happening, because it means something within you has finally woken up and seeking to be healed and brought back into union. Without conflict, there wouldn’t be peace. So do not fear the conflict, but certainly be mindful of how you handle the conflict. Be mindful of the harm you inflict on others or on yourself during the process. And be brave enough to apologise when you have made a mistake and inflicted harm on another whether you did so intentionally or not. And most importantly be kind enough to love ALL of yourself through the errors, attempts and failures leading you to peace.

With love and always for peace,

S.A.